Changes.

Happy New Year to whomever is reading this! May 2019 be a blessing to you in all ways! Not just a New Year, but I have been seeing changes in myself. Eighteen months ago I was in my last 2 weeks of teaching at Prince Andrew High School in Dartmouth, NS, Canada. Since that time I have been in Kenya, Tanzania, NS. driven across Canada to Alberta, flew toPanama, Colombia, Panama, Alberta, NS, Alberta, Panama, Nova Scotia, Panama. Yah..time to take stock of what the hell has happened to me over all those miles.

Somewhere in the chaos, I have found my authentic self. It's good catch phrase, what the fuck is my "authentic self"? Well, I think I know. Yesterday was January 1, 2019.  As I sat in the Caldera River beneath a natural hot spring, I felt a sense of unbelievable peace fill me. I allowed myself to breathe with the water flowing over me and let my eyes become unfocused as I observed the reflections of the sky and the trees in the ripples of the river.

The quiet was only broken by the sound of the water; I have not felt such utter peace in many decades, if ever. Somewhere in that tranquillity, I could see glimmers of myself, not the old woman, not the fat lady, not the socially awkward, angry, anxious, sometimes obsessive over spender, depressed person I have come to identify with, but the real me...and I smiled. And I liked myself and accepted myself as I am! That glimmer of a breakthrough shook me to my core. I am the vibrant, curious, passionate, loud, compassionate, loving, impatient, intelligent, impulsive, funny, dreaming, sarcastic being who cries at beauty, says Fuck a lot, dances naked in the teeming rain and loves her people and critters beyond reason! I am the crazy mother of a son who "gets" my craziness and finds joy in it! I am a woman blessed with friends who are "of my tribe"! I understand now that, for most of my life, I was suffering from a condition known as  "square peg; round hole syndrome". Just because we are born somewhere does not mean that is where we are meant to be. Sometimes we are too afraid to make the big changes we need to make to truly be "at home" with ourselves. I was searching for this all my life; I just did not know it!

Ali is part of who I am. My quirky, opinionated, funny, beautiful, talented, caring, athletic friend who, while sometimes differing in opinion from me, carries me safely no matter what and tells me I am special to him.

I was riding the other day, alone, and we came to a tree with wide, spreading branches offering a cool place to rest for a bit. I heard a voice in my head tell me to stop. Normally, Ali will either try to eat or he wants to keep going. This time he stood like a statue. Did he ask me to stop? Maybe. Probably. As We stood there, I closed my eyes and let every bit of thought just drift away.....my breath came and went with the rhythm of his until I could no longer tell where I stopped and he began. I don't know how long we stood there, but when I did open my eyes, I was disorientated, and wobbled a bit in the saddle. He immediately shifted so that I was secure and then we quietly walked off, a long, reaching relaxed walk. Writing this, I am feeling the same sense of awe that I felt at that moment.

I am worthy of the unconditional love of a little dog who brings so much joy and laughter, love and compassion to my life. Dear little Rio with a heart that is so huge it stares out at you through his eyes! 

Everyone think we rescued him; little do they realize that he saved me! After the loss of my foal in 1992, my heart shattered. When it reformed, pieces were missing. I was not able to love completely anymore. I loved our Goldens, but always kept a distance in my heart. Rio breached that distance the minute he crawled into my lap and looked at me. I felt it instantly; like being hit by the biggest wave of love to ever come from the Universe! He was sent to me; maybe he is what we call a "guardian angel"..who knows? When I am down he makes me laugh; when I am up, he is full of energy and knows that "Let's Go!" means we are going to have fun. He rides Ali; rides on the back of the quad - alone! He cuddles with us when we are sick. This kind of love scares me, but I had no chance to build a wall against it so I have to accept it as a blessing.

So am I living in a constant state of blissful self-actualization? Hell, NO! Those parts of me that have been insecure, afraid, self-loathing, depressed, angry, anxious and judgmental are still there. They are still with me; they are not just going to pack their bags and slink off, easily defeated, BUT, I do not listen to them as much; I can tell them all to go fuck themselves because I know they are NOT who I really am! I refuse to apologize for being passionate about something; I refuse to tone myself down anymore because I am thrilled about something; I refuse to feel silly because I cry at the beauty of nature or music or emotion! I can accept that I have not been kind to my body and that is why I gained 100 pounds without condemning myself for it. This has enabled me to be kinder to myself, lose fifty-three pounds and feel calm about losing the next 50. I know I can do it.

So where does Darren fit into all this? Somedays he does not like me. He will say I am too...loud, excited, obsessed, stubborn... Somedays I do not like him....he is too set in his ways, mundane, angry, stubborn. So I have learned to accept that he is who is; he has to do the same with me. Darren is my rock; my shelter when the waves get too big! Love is not something that always make the heart pound and the blood rush. Love is knowing that you can trust someone with your life, literally. Love is knowing that despite the quarrels, the frustrations and differences, there is someone who has your back no matter what. I think that for us, this realization has come over the last few months when we faced some stressful issues back home. We are each other's sounding board and mirror. We are what is "home" to each other. I would not be on this adventure if it were not for him; I can not imagine it without him. He, too, is part of who I am, my authentic self.