There I was. Here I am! What now?

 It has been awhile since I last had the urge or focus to write. I just read over two half hearted attempts that I made awhile back but never had the motivation to complete. I was in a very bad place mentally, physically and emotionally from November 2019 until December 2020 when we moved out of the rat race called Calgary to the quieter, smaller town of Cochrane in the foothills of the Rockies. I was still grieving the loss of my Panamanian dream and, then, having to move out of NS due to the dearth of doctors. As it turned out, doctors became even  more of an issue than I had thought as Cancer invaded a lymph node in my groin in August 2020. Quick detection and surgery just before the worst of Covid hit got it out before things escalated, and I am now clean, but on a 5 year surveillance program. Nonetheless, realizing how lucky I was to have been able to access the care I needed in a timely fashion was the first step in my mental rehabilitation.  I was still suffering ill effects fro

I have learned a hard lesson this year. I am not in control of anything. I always gave that idea lip service, but now I know it to my core. Hell, I can not even string three coherent sentences together right now. I had the most perfect year of my life last year; now I don't know which end is up. But I do know one thing; I am blessed with many gifts. And the greatest of these...is love.  Know that as I write this I am sobbing - in grief and gratitude; in despair and thankfulness; in confusion and, yet clarity. I am loved. This man has shown me that more over the past 7 months than in the whole 13 years we have been together. When I was first injured in February he stepped up and became a horseman, and learned what it is to have that bond. When I subsequently became ill and through further injuries, he never once complained. He knew what I needed even when I did not and sent my back to my roots to help me feel grounded again. When the decision was made to part with Ali,

Life can go to shit - fast! 2019 has proven that. As much as I soldiered on through the various mishaps that I covered in my previous post, I have had one too many to continue. Hence - down and out for the count. Two days after we returned from our trip to Europe, I fell and broke my left wrist necessitating surgery and 3 pins. Life threatening - no. But after the previous incidents - spirit breaking. There is no surgery for that. I have little left in my personal resource bucket. Deciding to give up my horse and sell everything connected to my life here seemed the only logical thing to do. Oh..yes - there is a financial factor to all of this but I am not going into that. On its own, it would not have precipitated this. But..all things considered.. So we had to come up with a plan. Suffice it to say that when part of that plan seemed to necessitate leaving Rio behind, I lost my mind, pure and simple. Darren sent me to Nova Scotia for 3 weeks to regroup. That will be a separate b

On February 9 I returned to Panama after my wonderful 2 weeks in Costa Rica. Even though it was hard to see Neal flying off to Canada, I was glad to get home and see my critters, including Darren..lol. Of course the scare of almost losing Rio made that reunion even more special. He was at the the airport waiting for me. I was never so glad to hug a little dog in all my life. I was really looking forward to resuming my idyllic routine. That was not to be. I was feeling a bit tired, under the weather, not quite myself. I had a few rides on Ali, but couldn't quite seem to get it together. Nevertheless, on Feb.17, even though I was not feeling well, I just wanted to go for a quiet ride. So I saddled up and set off on what I planned as a slow, uneventful ride. We just walked one of our usual loops and headed home. Then, not far from our gate, Ali fell...on me. It all happened so unexpectedly that I did not even have time to get scared. One second I was on him; the next, he

"Carcassonne"by Gustave Nadaud (1880?) Translated by: by John Reuben Thompson  (abridged) ' I'm growing old, I've sixty years; I've labored all my life in vain: In all that time of hopes and fears I've failed my dearest wish to gain. I see full well that here below Bliss unalloyed there is for none. My prayer will ne'er fulfilment know I never have seen Carcassonne, I never have seen Carcassonne! You see the city from the hill, It lies beyond the mountains blue, And yet to reach it one must still Five long and weary leagues pursue, And to return as many more! Ah! had the vintage plenteous grown! The grape withheld its yellow store! I shall not look on Carcassonne, I shall not look on Carcassonne!... 'The vicar's right; he says that we Are ever wayward, weak and blind, He tells us in his homily Ambition ruins all mankind; Yet could I there two days have spent While still the autumn sweetly shone, Ah me! I might have died content When I had l